Before you read into this post, let me explain something. Going through something like this tends to bring up feelings and emotions that you never thought you had and some that you thought you had long buried away. There has been so much in my life as far as my emotions and feelings, that I kept inside. A lot of the emotions and feelings that I went through and felt were and continue to be some of the most raw things I have ever had to grabble with. For me, I think this was a starting point of acknowledging on these emotions and feelings.
The first time, that I recall being by myself in my hospital room, I lost it. I think I just finally had a chance to breath. For weeks I had tubes in me, blood work, alarms going on and off, pretty much stripped naked, and had ridiculous amounts of drugs flowing into me. MRIs, CT, I don’t even know how many x-rays, frozen and unthawed.
The gravity of what happened was slowly starting to make it’s way in. My loved ones being told to kiss me good bye, that at that first 24-48 hours, I was considered pretty much as a no hope case. Not sure I have or really will be able to understand how much this effected everyone around me.
As I set in my bed crying, I thought of how unhappy I was. It maybe selfish to have been thinking this way but it was how I felt leading up to this event. The feeling of being incomplete. I thought I had nothing to really to give my kids. Unaccomplished, I never went back to school and I didn’t think that I had real skills to be a productive person. These feelings of inequities, just created a quick sand. I was fighting and the more I fought the further I sunk down. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of it. I will admit, I never knew how to express myself emotionally, except to hold it inside and not show how you felt. I never wanted to hurt anyone so I did allow for people to push my comfort zone, because like so many I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but I was hurting myself. I had an enormous amount of anger that could spill out, it was easier to show than the hurt. I do really feel like years of holding in my true feelings and caring around the anger added to the stress on my heart.
This moment I think has helped me really look at my life going forward in a more positive way. Not saying I still don’t have moments that are hard or hurtful. But that I am able to view things from a different perspective than before. Also, having this low point I think has made me take a proactive approach to get what I want and where I want to go in my life.