This is something that really bothers me, this is the point where I am completely out of control. I have no say in what is going on with my body. It’s so weird to think back on something like that. People tell you what happened and you have no idea (and I wasn’t even drinking). Also, there is a sense of embarrassment, in the way I would never willingly put people that I care about through something like that. If your drinking and black out or whatever, people tell you the stupid things you did, you can just kinda laugh it off. This isn’t something you can just laugh off, and I do feel like a dick at times for scaring people like this. They saw me die.
Often times I wonder if I felt anything, did I feel something coming on? Did I struggle for air? When my heart stopped, did it hurt? These are still such bizarre questions for me to think about, because I really have no way to answer them.