Sometimes I get mad at myself for having the SCA. I think it has more to do with the feeling like I have let others down. I know I have written that I have been at upset by hurting others around me. But there has been I real self hate towards myself. We live in a world where (some of us anyways) feel like they have control over their selves. I wouldn’t say I am a control freak or has ever really been.
I don’t know, I guess because I never had any real memories of the event, I have had a lot of self hate because of this and just the complete out of control. You would like to feel like you can always have the chance to say no or to tell someone to stop. But the helplessness really plays around in my mind sometimes. I know it was all in attempt to save my life, but there is this weird feeling that just makes me want to hate myself for all of this.
In school they talk about how you can be who you want to be. Ummm, fuck no, sorry but that is a load. Not going to lie, I tell my kids the same thing, because I do want them to be better and wiser than me. But the reality is, not all of us have that control, and also saying that gives a sense of entitlement. There are these things called circumstances, they like to pop up and really screw with things, and if you want something you need to push yourself past those things to grab your end goal.
I guess in the end it all comes down to that not so simple thing…. a choice, that we have to own