For a lot of my life I have felt that many people view me as being weak. Why I say that is because when an issue or project comes up instead of helping or encouraging, people tend to just take over and do it for me (or maybe they thought I was just dumb). And I allowed it, thinking that was just how it was.Wasn’t until I started playing with Durango Roller Girls, that I understood that I was creating some of this myself.
Seeing how the other women took charge it was a great feeling to be involved. I saw how people viewed strong, assertive women as either aggressive power hungry or out right bitches. All of that dissolved for me, they were none of those things. They were what I had always dreamed about being, strong, smart, ambitious, so much beauty in it. I started work on my out look on myself, and felt so much closer to who I am. Having my daughter made it hard, I was just emotionally tired. We had so many changes in our family. And then I had the SCA.
I felt like I was back to square one, now the feelings of being fragile are right back in my mind. Right off the bat coming home I was physically and emotionally exhausted. People wanted to do things for me, that I normally do on my own. Granted, if I just got out of the hospital I would understand that but this was months after. I think it just brought back feelings of inadequacies that I have had for so long, and I didn’t want to play back into them.
For some reason I still am uncomfortable with being called “strong” because for me that is what I always wanted to be but never understood how to be “strong”. Here I am now at odds with myself, and now I have to find the courage to dig deep to find myself again and see myself in a new light. There is strength in me, I just have to find it all over again.