Random and ridiculous fears

Having the Defibulator and an imagination helps create some interesting scenarios in my head.

  1. Being chased by a bear, sure a lot of people have fears of bear attack. Mine contain me panicking, my heart rate jumping and then my Defibulator going off to “save me”, but only shocking me down to the ground only to be mauled and eaten.
  2. Getting close to magnets, not just the little tiny ones, but the high powered ones. I can see it now, the Defibulator ripping from my chest along with the leads and blood spewing out like a kid puking on a roller coaster.
  3. Swimming in the ocean, ok let me honest I love swimming in the ocean and haven’t for a really long time but… Swimming and like the bear, I spot a shark, panic and the Defibulator goes off, the shark begins to panic. But because they are so sensitive to electric pulses, it spits me out and I drowned.

Ok, this are so off and would never happen, just fun (for me anyway) to think of horrible ways my Defibulator would effect certain aspects of possible demise of myself.

My disordered self

Sometimes I get mad at myself for having the SCA. I think it has more to do with the feeling like I have let others down. I know I have written that I have been at upset by hurting others around me. But there has been I real self hate towards myself. We live in a world where (some of us anyways) feel like they have control over their selves.  I wouldn’t say I am a control freak or has ever really been.

I don’t know, I guess because I never had any real memories of the event, I have had a lot of self hate because of this and just the complete out of control. You would like to feel like you can always have the chance to say no or to tell someone to stop. But the helplessness really plays around in my mind sometimes. I know it was all in attempt to save my life, but there is this weird feeling that just makes me want to hate myself for all of this.

In school they talk about how you can be who you want to be. Ummm, fuck no, sorry but that is a load. Not going to lie, I tell my kids the same thing, because I do want them to be better and wiser than me. But the reality is, not all of us have that control, and also saying that gives a sense of entitlement. There are these things called circumstances, they like to pop up and really screw with things, and if you want something you need to push yourself past those things to grab your end goal.

I guess in the end it all comes down to that not so simple thing…. a choice, that we have to own

Number, silly

I have had a new phone number for months and have had a hell of a time at remembering it. People gave me really strange looks when ever they would ask me for my number and I would have to look through my phone to find it. When I would make calls and have to give my number, I am sure they thought I was loony because I would again have to search for my number. There was a lot of hang up as well, because my fat fingers would hit the wrong button. But finally this week I remembered it. Dorkie, I know but I am so happy to finally have remembered. Though I still have a hard time remembering my daughters birthday.

Obstacles

I have never been good with obstacles. One comes up and it’s always been hard for me to push through. It’s not that I give up but more like I give in or perhaps that’s the same. Never thought that I had the confidence to really do what I wanted to do, because it always felt like whenever I started something it either never materialized or it just completely fail through. I guess it just became so hard to figure out how to push, that I really and honestly stopped trying.

Now it’s changed, not sure it’s super dramatic, but it has. Going back to school has been hard, but it is teaching me that I can do things on my own and own it. Actually, be proud that I am accomplishing something that I have wanted to get back into for so long, and thrive in it.

I see the obstacles and I still have moments of “why the hell bother”, but I push through them. Because I have a constant reminder that I have went through something that not many survive. I just have to keep my drive going, which is hard for me keeping up the energy to do so, but it’s there and I am on fire for what I can accomplish.

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Getting the brain to work

I am thinking, though I didn’t have a whole lot of neurological tests after the SCA. That there is a bit of brain damage, no one has really said one way or another. Coming out of the hospital it was hard for me to find words, I just didn’t feel like I was able to articulate my thoughts as well. It had been awhile after, I wanted to do more than just be at home with the kids. My husband was hesitant that I start working. I was not going to just continue to stay and not progress in my life. So I suggested school, and we both agreed.

I took the placement test in order to start school. I was nervous, mostly because I didn’t remember anything. So I started school that January. At first I was focused on going in biology. I focused on all of my classes I needed to get going in college. It was nice, it was really the first time in awhile, I felt challenged intellectually. It was hard to stay focused and make sure I understood. Unlike high school, I took the time to allow myself to really absorb what I was learning, instead of just screwing off. This would become another new beginning for me, one I would learn to push myself.

Aggro

I will admit that before all of this I was a very angry person. Out of all of my emotions, anger defiantly was dominate. I think this was because I never really knew any different. I never really exploded, unless I was at the end of my rope. Mostly I would get angry and bottle it up. I never took the time to learn how to express myself other than anger. This was because, my whole life I never really felt safe to speak up for myself.

After all of this, it gave me a chance to really see how much it crippled me as a person. It fogged my perception of the world around me. I didn’t realize how much negativity I created and how much of that I gravitated towards. My anger wasn’t just hurting myself, but of those around me. And I don’t feel like I was mean, but I think it made me not as open to them as I should be. Anger for me lead to so much of closed off feeling. I didn’t want people to really see what all was happening and being openly sad wasn’t going to happen for me.

Dreams and the Senses

For as long as I can remember I have always had vivid dreams. Colorful, emotional, so intense sometimes I could smell or even feel things. I think it is because I have always had a super active imagination.

Since after the SCA I have had less than normal (for me anyway), and if I do get them they are not as vivid. One that I had shortly after coming home was in black and white. I was watching my own heart beat, this I could feel. I felt my heart speed up and the stop. I saw it all in black and white, there was pain and I woke up. I have not had one like that since then.

Perhaps, this is keeping me from continually living in my own head, forcing me to act on what is happening in the world outside my head.

Alone

I will say that I am by nature a bit of a loner, no I am not a hermit type person. I do love being around others, I just get my relaxation and piece of mind from being by myself. It was nice having everyone around me to help and to be there for my family. I missed my space and started to get impatient.

I think at first it was rally hard to be around people. I really didn’t have much to say. The emotions that were working through me were really complex and hard to explain to others. So, I just kept a lot to myself. I think in the end it did create a void between me and others around me. I needed that void there in order to start healing from the inside. Looking back it was what was needed to start a mourning processes for myself, which is an outlandish concept for me.

 

Just touch it

One of my favorite things to do, especially when I see someone staring at my chest is to have them touch my Defibulator. Reactions vary, though my favorite ones are the ones that people totally gross out on it. The grimace on their faces are classic! It also breaks the ice, people kinda calm down and laugh.

I don’t hide my Defibulator, I think it has become for of a badge of honor. I survived  something not many do. But at the same time I do have issues with it, it is a foreign object in my chest with wires that go into my heart. It also keeps track of my heart rate and rhythms, it’s an intrusive little bastard.

Being weak

For a lot of my life I have felt that many people view me as being weak. Why I say that is because when an issue or project comes up instead of helping or encouraging, people tend to just take over and do it for me (or maybe they thought I was just dumb). And I allowed it, thinking that was just how it was.Wasn’t until I started playing with Durango Roller Girls, that I understood that I was creating some of this myself.

Seeing how the other women took charge it was a great feeling to be involved. I saw how people viewed strong, assertive women as either aggressive power hungry or out right bitches. All of that dissolved for me, they were none of those things. They were what I had always dreamed about being, strong, smart, ambitious, so much beauty in it. I started work on my out look on myself, and felt so much closer to who I am. Having my daughter made it hard, I was just emotionally tired. We had so many changes in our family. And then I had the SCA.

I felt like I was back to square one, now the feelings of being fragile are right back in my mind. Right off the bat coming home I was physically and emotionally exhausted. People wanted to do things for me, that I normally do on my own. Granted, if I just got out of the hospital I would understand that but this was months after. I think it just brought back feelings of inadequacies that I have had for so long, and I didn’t want to play back into them.

For some reason I still am uncomfortable with being called “strong” because for me that is what I always wanted to be but never understood how to be “strong”. Here I am now at odds with myself, and now I have to find the courage to dig deep to find myself again and see myself in a new light. There is strength in me, I just have to find it all over again.