Month: May 2017

Getting back up on the saddle, literally

When I was about 7 or 8 my brother and I would spend a weekend every three months with my dad’s parents. My grandfather had a mustang named Sugar Foot. Sugar Foot was a wild mustang that my grandfather had broke. We were able to ride him, he was pretty old when I was really ready to ride him.

So at one of the visits I got to ride Sugar Foot, my grandfather was with me. He had told me to be carful on how I nudged him. Well I didn’t nudge him correctly and he bucked me off. I feel of my wind knocked out of me and stunned. I was about ready to start crying when my grandpa came and stood over laughing. Asked if anything was broken, I said no. Then he said get back on… I did and was a little upset, mostly because I didn’t understand why you would have someone get right back up onto a horse that just threw you off their back like a bag of potatoes.

I got back onto that horse still hurting, but I kept riding. I went and took him around the house by myself. He began to start bucking me off, this time I wasn’t in a field with grass to lessen the blow, but a gravel road. So I just thought to myself “not again, I will not get bucked off again”  So I let go of the reigns grabbed him by the mane and held on for dear life. He finally stopped, and I rode him back to the barn.

It wasn’t till  I was older that I would really understand and appreciate the meaning of this moment. Without these types blips in life I truly feel like for myself I wouldn’t have learned how to push myself forward through the bad.

Before the heart stops…

I have been asked how much I am going to open myself up on this blog. At first I do feel that I need to be guarded. Yes, there are some things that I will keep private, just because I feel there is a such thing as sharing too much.

But there is one thing that I have been grinding on, if I should share or not. It has been my depression that I had afterwards, and before as well. It’s taken a lot more for me to share this.

About a year before my SCA I had my daughter, I was over weight and just very unhappy with myself and my body. I also was unsatisfied just how things were going or not really going. I felt like I was just drifting, no real sense of direction. Don’t get me wrong I love being mom. Sometimes I just like to sit back and watch the, They are amazing. It’s hard to find yourself and to keep who you are while trying to be a mom and basically give yourself over to everyone else’s needs and wants. I was so stressed out I really think that my stress and unhappiness added to my SCA .

I don’t remember much leading up to my event. I just remember feeling like I was drowning in my own depression, wanting to cry out for help. Why I didn’t say anything to anyone was because I was afraid.

 

Watching the track

Seeing something you love to do from the sidelines is so hard. And I know I am not the only one who is on the sides and wishes they were out in the action.

It’s so strange, not being able to play something that did save your life and is now untouchable. Though I am not out there on the track I have still kept involved. This hasn’t been just a sport or something to pass the time for me, it has been an outlet and a way to just be. The people I skated with aren’t just teammates, but family.

It feels like you miss out on so much not being involved on a weekly basis. It hurts seeing people out there, strategy planning, training, pushing themselves. At the same time I am proud to know them, call them my derby family. When we haven’t seen each others faces for sometime, they are always there to greet with a huge smile and a hug.

Seeing some of the skaters that I have skated with or that I have helped train that are still skating, there is a sense of pride that boils in me. That I was able to be apart of their world.

 

 

Keeping up with the… Well, everything

The program that I am in, we have school as well as clinical hours in a hospital. It’s very draining, you go and have your clinical spend all day running around trying to figure out what is what. You get home and have to reign yourself. in to study. I live in an area where we don’t have that particular type of education close. So about once a month there is traveling out of state and having crash courses within 2 days and you are sent back to fend for yourself on your studies.

So it gets pretty crazy. There are times that I feel like I have to fight with myself to keep moving. My energy levels are not where I feel they should be. Most days I feel like I swim through a viscous substance. I force at times my body to continue to push itself to do what it needs to preform. It is very exhausting, and frustrating. I try not to say anything because there are those who are single mothers or are taking care of family that are able to hold down a job or two and are making it work. They quietly help push me to continue.