For so long I have had such a since of mistrust in myself. I know in part it is because I always tried to do and be what I felt others wanted me to be. In a way I realize that has opened the door in my life to people who manipulate. Then the feeling of self-doubt becomes even more vivid. It becomes a cycle, of emotional baggage that you end up carrying for someone else, mostly because they don’t want to carry their own, they know they can pull your strings to carry it.
Most of my life I feel that I have led a very well choreographed life. I wait on who ever is directing the show and go from there. Which should never be, something that someone who is strong can standup and take the lead, not for someone else but for themselves. For me it’s so hard to do, because it’s easier (but not healthier) to just play the role.
Since the SCA I have pushed away from what has felt comfortable for myself and perhaps others around. I know that I am no longer the person who will just sit by and let people push and pull my emotions. I have truly found my strength, it was a terrible way to find that strength, but I guess that I have found none the less. It is hard to change your behavior but I don’t feel like I am holding so much inside that it hurts anymore.
With all of this I have been able to authentically trust myself. It’s still hard for me to get over the fact that it took such a dramatic turn of events to find this for myself, but it is paying off. I don’t feel like I am as much of a stress case when it comes to my personal life. Because I know what my end goals are, and I know there will be challenges getting to that point and some bending of those goals, but it will give me some meaning to all of this.