July 2016 – Chete's Heart

CPR class and a weird sense

Now that I have started to go to school for a medical profession there are a lot of things that you have to do to get going for school and the profession. One of them for me is taking a CPR class. Normal enough right, lots of people do it.

It was normal, I guess. Well, honestly I felt weird. I did what was asked and learned what all I need to do to help save someone. Pushing down on the manikin, I just was kinda dazed out on the feeling of the chest compressions. 30 and 2, 30 and 2. What did it feel like, the pressure from someone pushing down on my chest trying to give enough force to push my heart to start again. The breaths that go in and let the chest raise and fall.

I just kept imagining myself, and my friends going to work and being able to set aside that their friend was so close to death to be calm and composed to do what was needed. 30 and 2, 30 and 2. I guess for me I just get a different perspective, there were moments I thought I might have lost it, but I think it was knowing I could give back one day what others have given me.

If anything, having the CPR training is truly an amazing thing to have. Sometimes it’s just you and the person, or help can’t get to you in time. You are the first in the line of defense to help someone live.

Changing goals

In school they talk about how you can be who you want to be. Ummm, fuck no, sorry but that is a load. I try not to tell my kids the same thing, because I want them to be better and wiser than me. But the reality is, not all of us have that control, and also saying that gives a sense of entitlement. There are these things called circumstances, they like to pop up and really screw with things, and if you want something you need to push yourself past those things to grab your end goal.

Starting school was more for me to help get my brain going. I didn’t really expect any long term education was going to come out of it, especially a career path. It was honestly to make sure the 5minutes plus my oxygen deprived brain didn’t kill out on me all together going forward.

I have not and still am not one of those people who are like, wow this is what I am going to do and I am going to do it. I am the type who starts something and then I am like ummm this is not for me, or I get bored. Hence why I have had so many jobs, because I get bored because I don’t ever see a chance to progress.

Starting out I just took some basic classes, mostly because I didn’t remember much (it had been 10 years plus). I found that I actually enjoyed the challenge and I missed the learning process. I got one year in, which considering I was not even a year out from my SCA. But after that year, I found something that would be cool, radiology. It wasn’t just to take x-rays that I was looking at, but to get my foot in the door to do echocardiograms. And thus a new part of my life starts (well another one).

Stay at Home Mom

Just from how people have acted when I say that I am a stay at home mom(mostly scoffing), that there is a bad wrap about it, lazy, boring person. Not going to lie, I would like to have nothing to do and be bored out of my mind. But it’s not like that for me anyways. What my day is like the same thing day in and day out is so mundane. Though most days get derailed anymore since we have moved to the “country”. Either have a goat terrorizing the garden, or the one duck has managed to trap itself in a bucket. My daughter who never leaves a moment to be dull by coloring something or dismantling something you didn’t even know it could be taken apart or my son who has great stories to tell but unfortunately they have no ends.

For me I feel like who I am has gotten lost in the day in day out of motherhood. I have been so uncomfortable for doing things for myself. People say go ahead and do it for yourself, splurge a little bit. Fact is, I feel guilty about it I don’t feel like I add much in the way of family finances, and I use money that I have never thought of as mine or have felt like I was apart of making it.

I think now I am learning how to have time to myself, but also how to cherish the time I do have with my kids. My views of spending time with my kids is now something more than just a day in and out experience, but that I have the privilege of being at home with them. Soon it will change, and I will miss my time with them.

Seeing where I was before the SCA as a woman and a mother… Well, I feel that I have changed dramatically. I know I keep saying that, but it is not nonsense. Where I would just flow in and out of my days in a blur. It was not at all the life I wanted. Did I want kids and the house and the husband, yeah. I think growing up and having things happen to myself, it has made me look at me, or the not me. Now seeing what all is out there, I am scared to go right back into it. I now understand than I can be who I want to be and still be a mother.

Random and ridiculous fears

Having the Defibulator and an imagination helps create some interesting scenarios in my head.

Being chased by a bear, sure a lot of people have fears of bear attack. Mine contain me panicking, my heart rate jumping and then my Defibulator going off to “save me”, but only shocking me down to the ground only to be mauled and eaten.
Getting close to magnets, not just the little tiny ones, but the high powered ones. I can see it now, the Defibulator ripping from my chest along with the leads and blood spewing out like a kid puking on a roller coaster.
Swimming in the ocean, ok let me honest I love swimming in the ocean and haven’t for a really long time but… Swimming and like the bear, I spot a shark, panic and the Defibulator goes off, the shark begins to panic. But because they are so sensitive to electric pulses, it spits me out and I drowned.

Ok, this are so off and would never happen, just fun (for me anyway) to think of horrible ways my Defibulator would effect certain aspects of possible demise of myself.