Category: Deep Awarenees

When I was about 7 or 8 my brother and I would spend a weekend every three months with my dad’s parents. My grandfather had a mustang named Sugar Foot. Sugar Foot was a wild mustang that my grandfather had broke. We were able to ride him, he was pretty old when I was really ready to ride him.

So at one of the visits I got to ride Sugar Foot, my grandfather was with me. He had told me to be carful on how I nudged him. Well I didn’t nudge him correctly and he bucked me off. I feel of my wind knocked out of me and stunned. I was about ready to start crying when my grandpa came and stood over laughing. Asked if anything was broken, I said no. Then he said get back on… I did and was a little upset, mostly because I didn’t understand why you would have someone get right back up onto a horse that just threw you off their back like a bag of potatoes.

I got back onto that horse still hurting, but I kept riding. I went and took him around the house by myself. He began to start bucking me off, this time I wasn’t in a field with grass to lessen the blow, but a gravel road. So I just thought to myself “not again, I will not get bucked off again”  So I let go of the reigns grabbed him by the mane and held on for dear life. He finally stopped, and I rode him back to the barn.

It wasn’t till  I was older that I would really understand and appreciate the meaning of this moment. Without these types blips in life I truly feel like for myself I wouldn’t have learned how to push myself forward through the bad.

I have been asked how much I am going to open myself up on this blog. At first I do feel that I need to be guarded. Yes, there are some things that I will keep private, just because I feel there is a such thing as sharing too much.

But there is one thing that I have been grinding on, if I should share or not. It has been my depression that I had afterwards, and before as well. It’s taken a lot more for me to share this.

About a year before my SCA I had my daughter, I was over weight and just very unhappy with myself and my body. I also was unsatisfied just how things were going or not really going. I felt like I was just drifting, no real sense of direction. Don’t get me wrong I love being mom. Sometimes I just like to sit back and watch the, They are amazing. It’s hard to find yourself and to keep who you are while trying to be a mom and basically give yourself over to everyone else’s needs and wants. I was so stressed out I really think that my stress and unhappiness added to my SCA .

I don’t remember much leading up to my event. I just remember feeling like I was drowning in my own depression, wanting to cry out for help. Why I didn’t say anything to anyone was because I was afraid.