Category: Randomness

Seeing something you love to do from the sidelines is so hard. And I know I am not the only one who is on the sides and wishes they were out in the action.

It’s so strange, not being able to play something that did save your life and is now untouchable. Though I am not out there on the track I have still kept involved. This hasn’t been just a sport or something to pass the time for me, it has been an outlet and a way to just be. The people I skated with aren’t just teammates, but family.

It feels like you miss out on so much not being involved on a weekly basis. It hurts seeing people out there, strategy planning, training, pushing themselves. At the same time I am proud to know them, call them my derby family. When we haven’t seen each others faces for sometime, they are always there to greet with a huge smile and a hug.

Seeing some of the skaters that I have skated with or that I have helped train that are still skating, there is a sense of pride that boils in me. That I was able to be apart of their world.

 

 

For so long I have had such a since of mistrust in myself. I know in part it is because I always tried to do and be what I felt others wanted me to be. In a way I realize that has opened the door in my life to people who manipulate. Then the feeling of self-doubt becomes even more vivid. It becomes a cycle, of emotional baggage that you end up carrying for someone else, mostly because they don’t want to carry their own, they know they can pull your strings to carry it.

Most of my life I feel that I have led a very well choreographed life. I wait on who ever is directing the show and go from there. Which should never be, something that someone who is strong can standup and take the lead, not for someone else but for themselves. For me it’s so hard to do, because it’s easier (but not healthier) to just play the role.

Since the SCA I have pushed away from what has felt comfortable for myself and perhaps others around. I know that I am no longer the person who will just sit by and let people push and pull my emotions. I have truly found my strength, it was a terrible way to find that strength, but I guess that I have found none the less.  It is hard to change your behavior but I don’t feel like I am holding so much inside that it hurts anymore.

With all of this I have been able to authentically trust myself. It’s still hard for me to get over the fact that it took such a dramatic turn of events to find this for myself, but it is paying off. I don’t feel like I am as much of a stress case when it comes to my personal life. Because I know what my end goals are, and I know there will be challenges getting to that point and some bending of those goals, but it will give me some meaning to all of this.

I have always done the running thing. I have gone in and out of love of it ever since I can remember. Now that I am not doing full on roller derby (les sigh), I have to find other ways of dispensing what little energy I have.

So I do strength training, but I don’t do so much weight lifting (avoid screwing up my leads). I know there are very many thoughts about running whether it is good for you or bad for you, how much you should be doing  all of that jazz. I will admit I have been gaining weight, especially this last year, I had to have my meds increased. It doesn’t feel good stepping on the scale and a pound is added… Also having to find a happy balance of pushing yourself but not pushing yourself to the point of causing an arrhythmia or just going over your allotted heart rate (that part really blows). I started out as slow as I could, but I did and still get frustrated with myself for not feeling like I push myself hard enough, though I know I am doing what I can.

Back to why I run. Like I said I have always had a weird relationship with running, I either love it or hate it. And I am still there, sometimes it feels good and sometimes I don’t bother. But lately it has been nice, I think because instead of running around on the streets I found a trail to run. Pretty sure it’s not really made for running, more like for mountain biking, or hiking. I like it anyways, I have already busted my knee open on it, there was a lot of cursing.

I get to go on my own pace and I have to (sometimes) really focus on where I place my feet, especially on going down the hills, there is a lot of loose rocks. It gives me the time, not necessarily to think about the day but to see where I am at, at the moment. That is something I felt I always needed to work on, just being the moment and turning off the crap around me. It feels like that is what running is giving me at the moment, I am not focused on how far I have gone, my speed or the calories I have burned (or haven’t). Just there outside within the sage brush and relishing those moments alone.

Having the Defibulator and an imagination helps create some interesting scenarios in my head.

1. Being chased by a bear, sure a lot of people have fears of bear attack. Mine contain me panicking, my heart rate jumping and then my Defibulator going off to “save me”, but only shocking me down to the ground only to be mauled and eaten.
2. Getting close to magnets, not just the little tiny ones, but the high powered ones. I can see it now, the Defibulator ripping from my chest along with the leads and blood spewing out like a kid puking on a roller coaster.
3. Swimming in the ocean, ok let me honest I love swimming in the ocean and haven’t for a really long time but… Swimming and like the bear, I spot a shark, panic and the Defibulator goes off, the shark begins to panic. But because they are so sensitive to electric pulses, it spits me out and I drowned.

Ok, this are so off and would never happen, just fun (for me anyway) to think of horrible ways my Defibulator would effect certain aspects of possible demise of myself.

I have never been good with obstacles. One comes up and it’s always been hard for me to push through. It’s not that I give up but more like I give in or perhaps that’s the same. Never thought that I had the confidence to really do what I wanted to do, because it always felt like whenever I started something it either never materialized or it just completely fail through. I guess it just became so hard to figure out how to push, that I really and honestly stopped trying.

Now it’s changed, not sure it’s super dramatic, but it has. Going back to school has been hard, but it is teaching me that I can do things on my own and own it. Actually, be proud that I am accomplishing something that I have wanted to get back into for so long, and thrive in it.

I see the obstacles and I still have moments of “why the hell bother”, but I push through them. Because I have a constant reminder that I have went through something that not many survive. I just have to keep my drive going, which is hard for me keeping up the energy to do so, but it’s there and I am on fire for what I can accomplish.

 

I am thinking, though I didn’t have a whole lot of neurological tests after the SCA. That there is a bit of brain damage, no one has really said one way or another. Coming out of the hospital it was hard for me to find words, I just didn’t feel like I was able to articulate my thoughts as well. It had been awhile after, I wanted to do more than just be at home with the kids. My husband was hesitant that I start working. I was not going to just continue to stay and not progress in my life. So I suggested school, and we both agreed.

I took the placement test in order to start school. I was nervous, mostly because I didn’t remember anything. So I started school that January. At first I was focused on going in biology. I focused on all of my classes I needed to get going in college. It was nice, it was really the first time in awhile, I felt challenged intellectually. It was hard to stay focused and make sure I understood. Unlike high school, I took the time to allow myself to really absorb what I was learning, instead of just screwing off. This would become another new beginning for me, one I would learn to push myself.

I will admit that before all of this I was a very angry person. Out of all of my emotions, anger defiantly was dominate. I think this was because I never really knew any different. I never really exploded, unless I was at the end of my rope. Mostly I would get angry and bottle it up. I never took the time to learn how to express myself other than anger. This was because, my whole life I never really felt safe to speak up for myself.

After all of this, it gave me a chance to really see how much it crippled me as a person. It fogged my perception of the world around me. I didn’t realize how much negativity I created and how much of that I gravitated towards. My anger wasn’t just hurting myself, but of those around me. And I don’t feel like I was mean, but I think it made me not as open to them as I should be. Anger for me lead to so much of closed off feeling. I didn’t want people to really see what all was happening and being openly sad wasn’t going to happen for me.

I am not amazing. The men and women who jumped in and saved my life are beyond amazing. They do this day in and day out, they are doing things that not many do or can even fathom. They give their all to help so as many people as possible. No I do not consider myself special, but thankful, to those you saved me. Thanks to all who saved me.